Where the Sane Should Fear to Tread

Therapy Sessions on File


05/31/03 at 918pm
On a total 2x5x2 kick right now. Plot bunnies have been active and I may get a chance to write this upcoming week. Not sure if I can write exactly what's in this poor excuse for a brain. Writing smut has never been my forte - despite the fact I seek smut-fics out first.
05/30/03 at 910pm
First time all week I've had my 'puter on. First night all week I've been conscious enough to find the power button.

Saw a doc, one who will do a c-section if required - on Tuesday. And, miracle of miracles, he actually read my damn chart! He agreed with me that the amnio techs HAD redated my due date to the eighteenth. About bloody time one of these 'doctors' read the fucking thing. Squirmy was reconfirmed breech and I go back on Thursday to see if he still is. If so, the c-section will probably take place on the tenth or eleventh of June - a week ahead of my due date. Since Squirmy is sorta sitting sideways, I'm not sure he's going to turn at all. He's gotta be kinda squished in there.

Given that info, this was my last week at work. This way I can get the paperwork in with UI, prepare last minute things... go fucking nuts. For the last fourteen years, Monday to Friday, I've been reporting to EAE by eight-thirty in the morning. I've never had a sick day, take time off when the office is closed anyway, I don't even make doctor appointments (with the exception of this last week) during EAE office hours. I'm afraid I'll be a basket-case in a week.

My replacement should be fine. There are a couple files she will have to call me on - they're a mess and challenging for me - but the majority she can handle. Yes, there will be mistakes made and she said as much this week. Won't be anything she can't fix or work around though. And if there is a real problem, I'm on speed-dial.

Hoping one way to pass the time will be with fics. Fallen behind with my reading, and almighty_frog has been after me - for months - to read a Schu/Ken fic written by Mami-sama. And she - frog - has a new site/section, with recs from all over, that I have to spend time plowing through. And I still have more Wolf's Rain to watch. Would really like to get current on that before Squirmy arrives on the scene.

Hubby should be back tomorrow. It's been rather nice without him here. Nice in the way that this is probably the last time I will truly be alone in this house. I have enjoyed this alone time, but there is much that needs to be done - vacuuming, washing the kitchen floor, etc - and I am not physically able to do most of it. And there's news he needs to hear, arrangements he has to make at work, instructions on how to install the damn car-seat ('cause I sure as hell can't do it), and decisions that need his input. Besides, his cat misses him (okay okay... so do I). I don't miss his body-heat in bed at night though. Hot enough with just me, never mind the human furnace adding to things.

The more I hear of my sister-in-law (hubby's brother's wife), the more I'd like to send her in for a long talk with a professional. She's just... too fucking weird when it comes to her kids. I like her, but I'm also using her as a model of how 'not to be a parent'. Sad, but the truth.

Must go play the fun game of 'hunt the kitty'. Little bugger went out quite a while ago and hasn't shown his face around here since.

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05/25/03 at 1020am
For some unknown reason today, I want to type the CSS code 'linkcolor' as 'oinkcolor'. Like the sound of that... may have to use it in the future. Now, what color should 'oinkcolor' be?

Hubby wasn't gone more than six hours before I managed to fuck myself up. Walking this week could be a challenge, but I have very limited options. C-section or not, this should be my last week at work. Don't see how I'm going to be able to handle another three to four weeks of trekking to the train, never mind up the hill to the bus.

Helped a friend out with his 'puter yesterday. The help being uninstalling all the crap he didn't need/want/mean to install. Bad, bad things on that 'puter, tons of spy-ware and ad-ware. Still not sure it's working up to snuff. His set up is double what mine is in terms of cpu speed, ram, mb, etc. And my machine runs faster and cleaner. Not good. Borrowed a few DVD's off him, stuff I wouldn't buy myself. Last night I did a 'Mummy' marathon watching one and two back-to-back. Love the story, the blend of humor, romance and Egyptian myth/fact. And, of course, having Brendan Fraiser in both movies does not hurt one bit *grins*.

I would kill for a beer. Truly, absolutely, without a doubt. Need to find something to take my mind off that, now!

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05/23/03 at 901pm
Hot... unbelievably hot. Me, this room... not, unfortunately, some new bishie discovery. Double checked the thermostat to see if I'd bumped it on. All this heat cannot be from running the storage machine. No damn way. If the feeling of my own skin rubbing against itself didn't make me ill, I'd strip and sit here nude.

Managed to stun my bro-in-law last night. Called him up, asking what I should do with the sticky nipples. Could practically hear his eyebrows shoot off his head. Of course, I was talking about the latex nipples on the bottles my sister gave me (they break down and need replacing), not what he first thought. God, I just love catching him like that!

Boss-man went hunting more ISO 9000 data. Found some sections that are relevant-looking, but to view the specs/data he has to pay seventy-five dollars (US) per package. Since there are about ten sections, that gets a little pricey. Don't understand how there can be a charge for it. Can't wait until the testing starts. Each of us has an idea how the results for the various methods will end up, but it's all pretty anecdotal. There's no hard and fast data to back up our theories. This should give us the data.

It's looking more and more like next week may be my last week of work. I'd like to go until a week before I drop, but the ol' body is starting to disagree. Walking up the hill to the bus in the morning is bloody uncomfortable. And my bladder is, well, 'fucked' is a good description. See how it goes this week and see when my c-section is scheduled for.

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05/21/03 at 1030pm
Okay, so the baby has been confirmed as 'head up'. Which means my choices will probably be a turning or a c-section. There will be no turning. Hubby has voiced his opinion, after reading all the literature we could find, and so has the vast majority of family and friends. Popular opinion is don't do it. And my gut agrees. I know the c-section risks (and recovery, and long-term shit) but I will not risk a placental separation or cord complications. Granted the risk is relatively low, but why put him at any risk when I don't have to? Can't wait to see what the doc has to say tomorrow.

I hate cooking. I hate eating. I hate having to think up meals and proper combinations. And I really fucking hate packing around all this extra weight! It's all for a good cause, but... *blows a raspberry*

Ran through all the recs for the GW site, searching for alternative archives to MM.O. What a pain in the ass. And some either aren't anywhere else, or on sites I won't link to. Shit.

Also have a back-log of places I need to get to. Couple LJ sites, some fic sites, work crap to look up... *stomps feet* need more hours in a day. Maybe just more hours when I'm awake with a functioning brain. Yeah, that's probably more the case. Squirmy is stealing more brain cells as the days pass. I've gone from intelligent to... pathetic. You'd think I was suffering from 'senior moments' given the way I forget things.

I should never - NEVER - have fired up WinMX. Hello addiction! Hello obsession! God damn it to hell (and back)! Have almost all of Wolf's Rain, but at the price of my sanity. And I know I'll spend a good chunk of the weekend watching them. Shoot me now.

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05/19/03 at 918pm
Able to do some minor updates to the GW section, but only what could be easily transfered between main and backup machines. Backup machine has none of the fancy stuff (like graphics programs) the main does. *pats 'puter* She's just my grunt-baby.

Almost all the baby stuff has been washed and stowed. Just have the knitted items left. And I started putting together the hospital bags. Such fun... not. Really haven't done much today besides be domestic (kill me! kill me now!!!)

Hubby's gone fishing (literally) next week. Finally! There's some projects I just can't do while he's here because of the noise factor. Like shredding old patient files. Easy task, but the shredder going for four hours will drive him to stuff mattress fluff in his ears. Can't blame him. And I know there was another project I was saving for when he's away... what the fuck was it? I must start writing these things down immediately. I'm lucky I remember my way to the bathroom most days.

Time to plop myself in front of the big TV. 'Tis Monday, which means I get a real QAF fix. Real as opposed to the clips I've been watching this evening. They take the edge off, but I need to see it in larger form. Times like this, I really want that full wall TV. I did see one when we were at the mall. Hubby saw it too and said the 'N' word before I could say a thing. Man knows me too well.

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05/19/03 at 1108am
There was lightening yesterday, and it did kill the power to the house. Only for a short time, thank the goddesses, but the 'puters were rudely shoved off. No damage that I can detect so far (don't think there was a big spike), just an aborted burn. Have yet to fire up the fourth machine - the one Trafalga built - but it should be okay.

Absolutely need more room for squirmy's stuff. Sis sent home a load of stuff my niece has grown out of (the stuff that wasn't too girly) and there's no way it'll fit in the one drawer, not with all the stuff I have already. Will be unloading more of my stuff today... and wondering where the hell to store the box for now.

Going through the work e-mail account... up to twenty offers to 'increase my penis length' and eleven viagra offers. Ya, my penis could def use some help (surgical or otherwise) 'cause it's really not pleasing my mate. *rolls eyes* "Hey hon, I'm gonna get the penis you always wished I had."

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05/17/03 at 319pm
There are vids I want to watch, lots of vids. Can't, until the 'puter stops burning. Had to burn today, no choice - running out of room at a rapid rate. Need to build a new machine.

Not sure if it's something in my machine, a missing/corrupt/old codec or whatnot, but some of the avi files I have (like WK Gluhen) actually run better in the DivX player. Fired up on of the avi's and it jerked its way along though the audio was fine. But when it played on the DivX player, it was wonderful. Not sure what is going or why, but I've changed a number of extensions to .divx just to make sure they open in the right player.

Baby/child stuff is... expensive does not cover it. Geez louise! And it does not help that Mr. Hubby insists on 'the best'. The budget cannot handle 'the best' in all situations.

My mom wanted to get us a big item so she volunteered to pay for the stroller. Good, because it counts in 'the best' category and had the price tag to back that classification up. Though trying to find the make/model we wanted was an adventure. Two of three stores had a demo on the shelves, but no stock. The third had no demo, but two in stock. *shrugs* At least we found one before squirmy is born.

Trying to clear out more space in the bedroom, dresser and closet for squirmy's stuff. For a kid that hasn't been born yet, he sure has quite the collection already. Not sure where everything is going, or where to shuffle my stuff off to, but the one drawer and two small shelves cleared so far cannot be enough room.

Oh this is just fucking perfect. All three machines in my room are running - two with WinMX stuff, one with a burn - and there's thunder crashing outside. No lightening that I can see (yet), but there's bound to be. 'Puters and lightening do not mix. Trafalga and I have both lost equipment because of it. *crosses fingers* Gonna hold out as long as possible... and pray to the 'puter gods.

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05/14/03 at 1046pm
"a beautifully animated story about wolves who disguise their appearance to become extremely hot bishounen, and search for paradise." From Boys on Boys on Film. If the frog worshipper had said something remotely like the above description, I would have started searching sooner. Magic words, hon, they move my ass fast.

If, and this is a big IF, I ever do another kid, I will not use the same doc. I cannot put my finger on what it is exactly about this guy, but I don't like him. I'd like to kick him and shove a speculum up his ass.

Go for an ultrasound next week to see which position squirmy is in. My vote is on heads-up given the abuse my bladder is taking. All movement is central to down. If he was head-down, wouldn't I feel something above the mid-line?

Started reading on the 'baby turning' procedure. Sixty-four percent success rate, not bad, but there can be a number of complications though the risks are fairly low. Still, some of the risks give me a case of the icks. And hubby is not impressed, or keen on the procedure. Need to talk to sis about c-sections, 'cause that's looking better than the turning thing. Oh, and the doc said I'm a little narrow, meaning passage of the baby may be a challenge. So, is he leaning to a c-section anyway? Christ on a broom.

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05/14/03 at 928pm
I love - adore, worship, praise, can't-live-without - MXMoni. Don't have to watch the queue like a hawk, don't have to do anything other than search. JOY! Now, if I could find some of the files I'm looking for, I'd be a real happy camper.

Got a list of stuff, from my sis, that I should be taking with me to the hospital. Sheesh, just a bit. Figured on using one of the medium sized back-packs, but there's no way I'll fit everything in. And I'm not sure where the larger bags are. Knew where they were before I cleaned things up, but now...

Four weeks to go. How the hell did it get here so... unnoticed? fast? I'd swear it was only a month or two ago I had the amnio. Sis asked how I was feeling, was I prepared, did we have everything. I have no fucking idea, to any of that. I feel large (MOO), can't prepare for the unknown without having psycotic episodes in the bargain, and how do I know what the hell I need beside a bed, car seat, clothes and a boob? Ya, me, a parent... welcome to God's joke.

I miss MM.O, a lot. There's supposed to be a new 'system' (?) going in there later this month that is supposed to address some of the speed/load issues. Delaying changing (or searching for) links that reference the site until then, but it's still frustrating. Some authors are on MM.O and no where else (public archive-wise) and it's really hard to get in and check for homepage links.

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05/13/03 at 954pm
If you've ever run WinMX and had a problem with leeches, I highly recommend a nice little add-on program called MXMoni. Zaps those leeches, and morons who have no ports open at all for sharing, quick-as-a-bunny (love that phrase). Where to get it? Try this download - right click, save as ('tis a zip file). There's a manual for it - a previous version but close enough - available here.

It's probably a dangerous thing, firing up WinMX again, but what the fuck. Maybe all the searching will help keep me awake so I can work on other projects. Falling asleep mid-coding has been a little bit of an issue lately. Soon, I'll be lucky to remain awake to pop a boob in my kid's mouth.

Forgotten the sheer number of incomplete downloads I have. Ouch. And there's a number of them I'm not interested in anymore either. *laughs* those ones are not anime. Oh shit! There's a movie I wanted to look for... where the hell did I put my notes... there's also a couple music vids... damn damn damn... must have left it, put it... not on the desk, chair, table... work maybe? Not like I can check right now. *slaps head* What a moron.

Fading fast and I've just started reading a new chapter of a fic. Walkies, maybe that will help. Just a short stroll around the back porch.

No LJ link tonight, just too damn tired.
05/11/03 at 955pm
Apparently spending most of the day at the mall(s) was not a good idea... so my body has been telling me. It was either that or be trapped in the house between eleven-ish and three-ish while a parade blocked our ways in and out of the neighbourhood. Experienced that before, have no need for a repeat.

Spent probably far too much money yesterday, but some baby stuff had to be purchased and we really wanted a new comforter/sheets for our bed. That'll be, probably, the last time we'll make a large-ish purchase for ourselves for quite a while.

Fired up WinMX in hopes of finding an anime Almighty_Frog has been raving about. Out of the maybe thirty people who had it, only five were actually sharing. The rest, though indicating they were sharing, were more of those zero port fuckers. Needless to say, I did not get any of the anime and I did not have the patience to sit in a one hundred plus queue. Maybe I'll have better luck mid-week.

Wanted to get to the GH pix today, but just not able to concentrate long enough. Despite the list of fics below, those were not all read today; I forgot to list some on previous days. It took two hours to read a fic that should have taken, at most, forty-five minutes. I'm told concentration and brain cells will return... eventually. Don't think I believe that right now.

Staying on the fic-front, I'm developing a real peeve for unfinished fics. I find myself scrolling to the end of a fic first to see if it says End (or Owari) or TBC. And I'm not really inclined to read if I see TBC. More and more these days, I'm encountering fics that have not been finished and probably never will be finished. The number of fics I toss in the abandoned list is both appalling and a piss-off. So unless I know the author, and know he/she finishes fics, it's rare I start a new multi-parter until it's completed. Which makes putting things on the rec lists a pain-in-the-ass.

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05/09/03 at 1128pm
Just a couple of pix really quick... finish the rest tomorrow...

Gale Harold on L&O 1
Gale Harold on L&O 16


Some decided smug arrogance to this Dr. Lang, but sooooo NOT like BK. It's... different. Don't know how else to describe it.

Sorta wish the show was longer and that it would explore the good doctor a little more. Interesting character, interesting 'views'... interesting that scary, dememted, cult way. *watches more* Oh ya, this is a nutty character.


O.o First impression of Gale on L&O:SVU... whoa! Nerd! What is with the slicked-down looking hair? *laughs* What a difference from the Brian Kinney look, I love it! Got some nice screen grabs, but the damn puter crashed before they could be saved. Should have more opportunities to get some.


His royal baby-ness tried to drop me today. On the way to the train this morning, a sudden sharp - very sharp - pain made my knees buckle. My bladder is NOT to be considered a play-toy, but try telling the kid that.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - that sums up the office today. Soooo glad everyone is back Monday.

And so glad the office has 'Net access or I would have gone insane.

Ten minutes (or so) to go to Gale Harold's guest shot on L&O:SVU - Yumyumyum

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05/07/03 at 1055pm
If, or when, I finally get back to The Sims, I've got tons of custom skins to choose from. All anime related, of course. Another 'find' from the file sorting last night.

Getting off my ass (lazy ass at that) and working on the GW site updates. The WK side is next since I saw a backlog of possible fics in my mailbox. When I read fics at work, I mail myself the link... since I have a brain made of Swiss cheese.

Fucking AWESOME episode of the West Wing tonight. I hope this wasn't the season ender, just a really really good sweeps episode.

Absolutely must start putting together stuff for the hospital. Time is approaching and I have nothing gathered. Means a trip to the mall on the weekend - ick. Wonder if I can convince hubby to go with me...

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05/06/03 at 1048pm
ROFLMAO!!!!!!! *tries to breathe...*

Oh. My. God. If you are a fan of QAF, Brian and Justin especially, you absolutely must go get this video => Perils of the Princess. It's a fan vid-story, done by two people I'm coming close to worshipping - Mia jt and Lidia beloved.

Clearing HDD space and sorting files in the download folder. 'Tis also the folder I'm finding a shit-load of videos I've downloaded, but not watched (or unzipped) yet. Love finding little gems (like the Princess vid) when they're least expected.

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05/06/03 at 328pm
Some days, I'd like a gun and a permit to shoot fuckwads. Today's current 'I deserve to be shot' candidates are two patients. One, who doesn't bother to return calls then tries to make it seem like we're the ones delaying his appointment, and the second who fails to listen (or rather, hears what he wants and fills in the blanks to his liking). My patience is wearing thing and I am counting down the fucking days until mat-leave.

One hundred and sixty-eight pounds was my last 'official' weigh-in. *cringes* I no longer moo or oink, I'm making whale sounds! That's... forty-two pounds I've gained. Doc raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything about watching the diet. And squirmy (it's better than parasite, and more accurate) has a heartbeat of one hundred and thirty. Still can't confirm if he's heads-up or down though. Joy.

Disappointing that there was no Third Watch on last night, but a double shot of CSI and a new QAF more than made up for it. Watching Hal, as Mikey, beat himself off in a clinic was too damn funny! And the end scene between Brian and Justin... damn, that Brian has an acid tongue. More more more!! I've already informed squirmy that he cannot come, or keep me in the hospital, on a Monday night. Having said that, I know I'll be setting the VCR while experiencing labor pains.

Tonight's task, should I stay awake upon arriving home, is to clean off the hard drive of the back-up machine. There's no room for anything now and I have stuff to scan and files to download. Knowing me, fully half the stuff 'stored' on that 'puter can be trashed without a second look. Anything of any value should already be transfered to the main or server. Shit, gotta fiddle around with the server too when I have the time.

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05/04/03 at 735pm
The exhaustion caught up with me before I could get anything posted. Sheesh. Awake for a couple hours, get a bit of laundry done, pass out. Wake again, bit more clean up, nappies. Maybe by, say Wednesday, I'll start to feel human again.

Anyway, just been wandering around the net off and on... reading when I can concentrate, surfing when I can't. Totally brainless today... and it shows.

Exhausted is the best description of hubby and I today. I can add fucking sore to that too. Spent way too much time on my feet yesterday and I am so paying for it today. At one point, Sis tossed me out of my own kitchen with orders to sit down. And the glare I got when I said I could get up and get my own dinner would have done Heero or Aya/Ran proud.

Overall, the party went pretty damn good. Dad was completed surprised and had a blast catching up with people he hadn't seen for years. And it was really fun to talk with some of those 'old timers' and pick up a few unknown tid-bits on Dad.

Except for a couple crates of rented dishes and a plastic-covered dining room table, you'd never know we had nearly forty people here yesterday. Shouldn't have to get off my ass for anything other than shower, bathroom and laundry. Which is a good thing.

Really odd-ball dreams these days. Real-life blending with overactive imagination blending with fic characters blending with TV characters. Not the kind of dreams that jolt the dreamer awake with a scream - thank the gods - but of the ilk that leave the dreamer saying "what the fuck?" Cheese dreams I call them. Usually eating cheese before bed give me that type. Now, it's pregnancy. Very weird!

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05/03/03 at 1028am
It's party day! Still have a number of things that need doing, but I have to sit down for a bit or my hips will plain fall off. Chiro couldn't loosen up the right side; sucker is still locked up tight.