Where the Sane Should Fear to Tread

Therapy Sessions on File


09/29/02 at 1009pm
*points to new image up top* See? Finally got something there. Wasn't what I was originally planning, but rarely do my original ideas pan out as planned.

I've been a good girl and completed one project tonight. Can't do the others because I'm tying up the FTP with a download - won't be able to upload this either until it's done... maybe tomorrow. Anyway, to fill the unexpected free time I've been fic-reading. I cannot go cold-turkey from ALL fics; GW, temporarily but not QAF fics. I don't plan on writing for that show so I figure it's safe to read them.

And read them I have tonight. Caught up on all chrissypig's fics and Randall's. Great writers, great fics. Now to see if Laney has a new part up...
09/29/02 at 814pm
The baby shower was alright. Small gathering, in a restraunt (which probably precluded games, thank god) and I got to talk to a couple people I haven't seen in quite awhile.

Since I was out, and in the right area of town, I now have green things in the fridge again. Things that are supposed to be green. I pigged out on Bok Choy, spinach and long beans tonight - yum! Oh, and barbequed pork. Picked up a white Pomelo too. Best part, this stuff is all mine (muhahaha); hubby doesn't like any of it. Gee, what a pity *snerk*.

I want a DVD player in my crapola home office. I want it now - no, yesterday. I can't watch the new DVD's in here, there's not much worth watching on TV (except an edited version of the Matrix on Fox right now), and I can't fire up Win Media Player without closing a few programs. Which I can't do because I have to finish a couple projects tonight. Bitch, bitch, bitch. That felt good *grin*

The count down to Florida has begun. I'd rather be counting down to Yaoi Con. Next year, even if work convention overlaps, I am going to Yaoi Con.

Off I go... might be more later if I don't go code-blind.
09/28/02 at 1050pm
Danger on the horizon! Hide the credit card! Holy digital jackpots Batman! I have found the mother-load, the store I want my ashes spread in, my new place of worship. Heaven, thy name is C&L.

Hubby found an ad in the paper a month or so ago. He only noticed it because the word Anime was in big type and he knows first hand how hard it is to find decently priced anime around the LM. I checked out the web site... cleaned up the drool puddle that formed in front of the monitor... and promised myself I'd get out there very very very soon. Um... yeah.

Nearly two months later, I finally got there. I can die a happy camper now. I swear, if an anime has been licensed for sale, this place has it. There's a twelve to fifteen foot row, six shelves high (on average) of nothing but anime. I've never seen so much all in one place before *drool*. My fingers itched to reach out and go into massive debt. Complete first Star Blazers box set, complete Robotech series, Detonator Orgun... gah! I was good though (or should that be financially impaired) and only got the two discs I was looking for - WK three and four.

Then I joined hubby who was perusing the movies sections. Fuck. Me. Original, unedited, uncensored version of Caligula, Logan's Run, Forbidden Planet, Some Like it Hot... and a few hundred other movies I've wanted to pick up. And the prices are incredible. I don't think I could beat them at Future Shlock, or A&B (who has a pitiful selection to begin with), or Virgin (who are overpriced shysters in my opinion).

One movie hubby picked up was Space Cowboys with Clint Eastwood, David Sutherland, James Garner and Tommy Lee Jones. Incredible movie, one I'll be watching over and over I'm sure.

Domain mail crapped out today so I missed a number of messages from various ML's. Don't know what's been going on with it the last couple weeks, but it's starting to piss me off. Routinely, trying to send or receive after ten-ish pm has been futile. Couldn't access it via POP or web. I'll give it until after the weekend and if there's no improvement, I'll send in a tech ticket.

Started work on a side-fic to LitD. Aiming for three to four parts, but we'll see - probably end up longer. And I'm trying very hard not to compare myself against others like last time. I am my own person and I write in my own way with my own style. I am still relatively new to the fandom and I cannot expect to be as good as others, nor garner as much feedback. I write for me, and if someone else enjoys it that's nice too. I go through that spiel every time I sit down to write now, and it helps.

What also helps is not doubting myself at every turn. Yes, self-confidence is an area where I do not excell and I've been slipping back into old patterns again. Instead of telling myself 'yes, you can do this' I've been saying 'no, you can't do this but give it a shot anyway'.

I think I figured out one of the triggers to the last downward spiral - taking the new car back to the dealer when the hitch was installed. I kept telling myself I'd crash the car, miss the right exit off the highway, get lost, that I totally freaked myself out. Venturing, alone, to places I've never been does make me nervous but usually a good pep-talk dispells the nerves. If I get lost, I get lost; no big deal. I forgot the pep-talk and my imagination and low confidence kicked into overdrive.

One other trigger hubby pointed out tonight - sugar. High levels of sugar in my diet bring on a depressive state for me. The sugar sends me way up, and when the levels drop so do I. Only it's a BIG drop, below where I started. For years I thought this sugar thing sounded like completed bullshit. Until I met four other people, one of whom is a good friend, who are the same way. The last time I seriously considered taking my life was just after a massive candy binge. So looking back over my diet for the last month and a bit, hubby noticed an overall increase in my sugar intake. And guess what, it corresponds nicely with my depression. Eat a bunch of candy, crash down. Feel bad after the crash, grab a handful of chocolate bars and crash again. Grab more candy... you get the idea. I am not buying Halloween candy again until the day before.

Ugh... have to be up early for my sister's baby shower tomorrow. Better get some sleep or I'll never stay awake through it. I'm praying there are no cute shower games. Those things make me itch and toss my cookies.
09/28/02 at 411pm
You are 36% geek
You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

George, I blame you for this.
09/27/02 at 1130pm
I'm avoiding reading fics - GW ones at least - until I'm sure my head is screwed on straight again. Gonna make reccing fics a tad difficult...

The Internet is becoming (or, has become) one giant porn-a-rama. I'm not talking about fiction and fanart, but real people porn. Today alone, I've had eight offers to 'see hot co-ed pussy', two offers to watch some woman give a horse/donkey/monkey/other-mammal a blow job, and offer to visit a site and watch some guy fuck his dog. Um... where do I begin?

Adding to this... I've been given offers to increase my penis size (I have a penis? Really? Where!) and one spectacular one to increase my cup size by four sizes. Yeah, because it's so attractive to have tits that precede you into a room... by four days. Boss suggested I could do it for free by poking one boob with a pin and putting the air-hose on it. It was funnier than hell at time.

Best of all, all this (and more) comes (not literally, though there have been offers of that too) to my work e-mail accounts. It's become a running joke between my boss and me as to which one of us gets a) the most porn offers b) the weirdest offers c) the funniest. He's one point ahead of me.

Trafalga is installing/setting up ICS on his cousin's machine sometime soon. And guess who he's calling for help when he does. I set up my own ICS two years ago (and it took two weeks to get it working right) on a Win98 machine. I've never done it for an XP machine, and I forgot how I did it within five minutes of getting the stupid thing running. He said he doesn't care. His dime, or dollars. Boston to Vancouver is not a cheap call.

When someone tells you 'I'm sorry, but the schedule is full. We do not have an opening until late October.' what does that say to you? If you're a normal person (one with a working brain) it means the office is very busy, and there are no open appointments at the present time (until late October). However, if you're one of the three idiots who called the office today, it means the opposite. One man - he's one man. There is no clone, he cannot work more than eight hours in a day. When the schedule is full, it IS FULL! Yes, there is a cancellation list but don't hold your breath. Normal people book their appointments weeks, sometimes months in advance. And no, I will not call one of those people and move their appointment to accommodate you. Get a fucking grip on life.

Seriously, this woman phoned up wanting an appointment in the next two weeks to have a new appliance made. With the boss going on holiday for two weeks in October plus the normal booking levels, there's no way it could be done. But we 'just have to since that's when her holidays are.' Yeah, and you only just found out when your holidays are? Couldn't we 'call somebody and reschedule their appointment'? Yeah, I'm sure that would be appreciated. Someone who booked their appointment in August is really going to give it up to accomodate some idiot who couldn't get off their ass and pick up a phone before now. I should get a badge for keeping my cool and not telling this woman where to stuff her appliance.
09/26/02 at 1037pm
I did it, punched my latest period of depression in the nose. This latest period wasn't the worst (thank the gods), but it essentially crippled me in terms of writing. Sure, the ideas were there (they always are) but when you hate the words you write, unfairly compare yourself to other writers, and just generally think of yourself as barely having the talent to breathe, well... you get the idea.

But a good mental slap (or ten) and a long talk with the hubby and my girlfriend helped - a lot. The kind words from Sunhawk the other day, and Anria today, were the final pieces I apparently needed. To all of you, I say thank you. For loving me, for being my friend, for taking the time to say a few words. Christ, I'd be in the funny farm down the street if weren't for all of you.

So, I cannot help but wonder when the next bout of the mental meanies will hit. The last year or so, they haven't been as bad as the past, but I've been missing the lead-up signs. Why? I don't know. Something else to ask the doctor when I see him next month.

Enough of this depression shit. Dwelling on it just brings it back. So... the new TV season finally started. New CSI, new ER - which just totally grossed me out!! Romano just had his arm chopped off. Christ, I did not want to see that. Ew ew ew!!! Nothing like ER to keep me glued to the tube.
09/24/02 at 1044pm
Still haven't found an image to use up top. Can't find what I want, so I'll have to make my own *snarls*.

Received a wonderful, fabulous piece of feedback on one of my fics. Sunhawk's comments really touched me and inspired me to de-trash the fic. Thanks, Sunhawk, you're a dear.

Heike, or somebody she knows, has way too much time on their hands. The latest nugget from my pal is... well, scary. Shower Shock Caffinated Soap. Do I, or anyone, really want to meet a person who needs this product?
09/22/02 at 1031pm
Got off my ass and finally made the changes to this section. Notice a difference? Still looking for a suitable image... something me.

Received a lovely piece of c&c today from Sunhawk (GW ff writer) regarding my fic Love in the Darkness. I'd all but decided to let it die, but Sunhawk's words have given me a kick in the ass to finish it. It is, more or less, finished already, but final editing is needed before the rest can be posted.

Considering a message board. Not much difference between a message board and a guest book (both encourage the phenomenon called 'instant moron') and I found a couple interesting PHP ones. Checking with my host service to see if PHP is supported. Looks like fun to learn, though I said that about CGI before and nearly went blind and insane.

Nothing exciting today. Mowed the lawn (PAVE IT!), played with WinMX, and did laundry. Didn't have to cook dinner either - hubby took care of that. *Yawn* Think I'll just whip through the usual places real quick-like, then go to bed.

Are you a list bitch?
brought to you by Quizilla

I ranked as - "Medusa: You are the stone-hearted bitch. People whine and you ignore them or tell them exactly what you think. There isn't enough air in the world for the whiners."

Ain't that the fucking truth! Thank you, Heike.... that was just too much fun!

I might end up sitting around the emergency room tonight. My pinky knuckle is swollen and bloody sore to the touch. Makes typing soooo much fun. There's gotta be a rose thorn stuck in there somewhere, but I sure as hell can't find it.

Yard work, in a word, sucks. Of course, like housework, if you do it in small bits, then it doesn't become one giant mother-fucking chore. Hubby did not appreciate my 'pave it all, and paint the cement green if you want some color' comment. Can't understand why...

Lunch with the girls today for Viv's birthday. Tried a new place and we will for certain be going back again. Nice change from the usual Chinese or Japanese fare we gravitate toward.
I am motivated to do... NOTHING! There's a handful of projects that need attention and I can't work up the enthusiasm to so much as open a browser window to look at them.

Squirrels crossed with Provalone cheese *snicker* I love South Park.
My body got up this morning, but my brain stayed in bed. That's the only explanation I can come up with to explain the rash of 'stupids' today. The best two involved an elevator and a microwave - separately, thank god.

When the elevator doors start to close, do not stick your hand between the outer doors in an attempt to halt their closing. The inner doors have sensors, the outer doors do not. And it hurts when they bounce of your knuckles. Hurts like hell, actually.

Food, when heated in a microwave, gets hot. Duh! I know that little fact, know it well, but not tonight. The roof of my mouth did not appreciate my forgetfulness.

I am so getting into Queer As Folk (US) fics. I love the show, the characters, the story-lines... all of it. And the fanfiction for it is, for the most part, wonderful. I'm a total Brian/Justin 'shipper, and there are tons of B/J fics floating around the 'net. The best archives, Brian and Justin and Across the Pond are experiencing tech difficulties, but there's a number of Y!Groups for QAF to feed a fic addiction.

The authors for QAF fics are, in a word, incredible. The interpretations, the insights into characters and what they didn't say... I'm in awe. With the new season of QAF not starting until March 03, the fic writers are having a blast writing what they think will happen, or hope will happen, next.

Time to read one last fic before calling it a night.
Where the fuck have all these visitors been coming from? In the last twenty days, there have been only three where the hit count to the GW side of PE hasn't been over fifty. The highest one day count is eighty-eight. Holy mother of Duo! If I don't go over the bandwidth allotment this month, I will be very surprised.

Don't know whether it's the mini-death of FF.N, school work, or a misalignment of the planets, but there's not been much to read the last while. I'm beginning to act like a junkie needing a fix. I need fanfiction, damn it! *deep breath* With nothing to read (nothing I want to read, that is) I'll get some work done.

Speaking of work - and not the work I get paid for - I heard from a past associate today. I was beginning to think he'd abandoned his web site or found someone else to maintain it. But lo and behold, today saw an e-mail from the gentleman sitting in my mailbox. He's busy filming a movie right now, but has a blurb he wants added to his site when he's done. Heike will be pleased to know our missing idol is still alive and working.
My eyes are crossed, my head is pounding, and my mouse is smoking. Why? FF.N, that wild and crazy place, has decided to nix NC-17 rated fanfiction.

Instead doing nothing tonight - I was planning on a 'puter-free night for a change - I had to run all the Recs on the GW side at PE. It didn't have to be done tonight, but a number of authors have already started pulling their fics off FF.N. Some, I really didn't want to lose track of (or lose) period. Some authors may simply change the rating on their fics, and thus avoid the upcoming purge, but alternative archive sites really did need to be found. Should have done that months ago anyway, but FF.N's latest stunt finally gave me the push I needed.

Of course, some fics were removed because there was no alternate archive found (yet), and that really pisses me off. So many sites have those stupid hidden entrance things and I refuse to link to those. I am not reading through a screen full of shit to discover I need to click on the tiny period at the end of the sentence that has the word 'and' in it. I understand - to a point - why some people feel it's necessary, but I still despise it.

And while I'm thinking of it, where are all the parents these days? Do they know what their kids are looking at on the 'Net? I'll bet good money that the vast majority of complaints FF.N received were from 'outraged' parents. Parents who found out what their kids were looking at and decided it was the FF.N's responsibilty to babysit their children, protect their little minds from the big bad NC-17 fics. Hello? Last I checked, it was the responsibility of the PARENT to protect, monitor, babysit, their children. If children want to ignore the pop-up warnings attached to all NC-17 fics on FF.N, then it's up to their parents to ensure the warning is enforced. Kids, as they did in my day and my mother's day, will always seek to view things they're not supposed to. Call something 'forbidden' and it's like a magnet. It is not the responsibilty of a third party to ensure a parent's rules, morals, or ethics are enforced - it's the fucking PARENTS who are responsible.

But god-forbid a parent should look after their children. It's so much easier to dump the kid(s) in front of an unprotected 'puter ('cause software like Net Nanny costs too much) and walk away. Yeah... and it's fucking morons like that who are the first to bitch and moan, thus infringing on the rights of those who are actually responsible and mature.

Right... I'm outta here. I still want to find links for fics.
It's raining. What else would it be doing in Vancouver?

The backup machine at home needs some serious upgrading. New motherboard, new vid card, real speakers... not the cheap stuff, or course. It's either upgrade, or buy a dvd/vcr combo machine. All I wanted tonight was to watch a couple dvd's and work on some web site stuff. Dvd machine is in the living room, I'm in the office. The backup machine does have a dvd drive, but the pci-video card just cannot handle the dvd's. Tomorrow's project is to price out parts vs the combo machine. Oh, and find a way to print my own money.
Two things: 1) After re-reading the last entry, I should not be sitting here drink in-hand again; 2) I should never have promised myself I'd never delete an entry. Oh well, laughing at myself is one thing I do well *grin*.

I think I love the new car. Wasn't sure, at first, that I'd be able to drive it without a heart attack. It is almost double the size of the old one - both in body and engine. Ah yes, engine size... it is definitely bigger (hubby can quote everything, I cannot) and along with a bigger engine comes a little man who sits in the gas tank, gobbling up the fuel.

I'm not a hit-the-brakes-hit-the-gas driver. I control the speed of a vehicle with the gas pedal, and I really love the gas pedal. My nickname around the house is 'lead-foot'. I shoot the miles-per-fill-up to shit, causing a lovely rant and eye-roll from hubby-dearest. Well, with the new car, I need to re-evaluate how I drive... or win the lottery. I swear, I could see the gas needle move every time I tromped on the gas pedal today. Not good, not at all.

Apart from the gas/lead-foot issue, there were no problems. Being higher off the ground made on helluva difference. The best feature (so far since I haven't played with everything yet) is the 6-CD changer and stereo controls on the steering wheel. I had no idea how much difference those would make. You can switch between the CD player, radio and tape deck; fast-forward and rewind; change stations... everything! The only time I had to physically touch the stereo was to put in the CD's or change CD's. Trust me, on a long drive to a place I'd never driven myself to, in a vehicle I'd driven before, that one feature made a big difference.

Debating changing some sections on PE again. I know what I want, but can't accomplish the graphics (again!). So instead of aggravating myself for hours on end tonight, I worked on the CSO/SCO site again. It's slow going because I don't know French, Quebec French specifically. I know just enough to read the French side of a box in a supermarket, but that's it. Considering French is one of two official languages in CanaDUH, I should know more.
Ya know, I've have a bitch of a day, topped off my probably too much alcohol. I don't give a shit about anything right now, so this a perfect time to bitch, rant, fuck with my head, whatever.

A well-meaning, non-net friend informed me I should add a guest book, particularly to the GW section since it draws the most traffic. Hello? You've known me how long, heard my rant about GB's, and yet you still make that asinine suggestion?

I hate - really deep down despise with passion - guest books. They're stupid and they encourage morons. Want to tell me you like the site? Hate it? Want to flame me and call me names? Ever heard of this new fangled thing called E-MAIL? GB's encourage mindless, poorly thought out comments. Not all GB entries are such, of course, but the vast majority are. E-mail requires an extra step (maybe) and if you're too lazy to do it that way what you had to say was probably not that important anyway. Ya, ya... I can hear it now - "it's such a hassle to open my e-mail program" or "I didn't have time to do it that way." Fuck off. Been there, done that. There's times I don't want to open my e-mail software, mainly because I've got fifteen things running and one more will take the system down. It takes 30 seconds ('net traffic depending) to sign into my Hotmail account. Another 10 (if that) to copy the e-mail address from the site and paste it in the To: field. Now type the message you want to send and click a button. See? Easy. And as an added bonus, maybe your brain engaged somewhere along the line and your comment will make sense. And don't bother whining you don't have a Hotmail (or Yahoo, or whatever other free e-mail services there are) account. Anyone who runs around the 'net these days and doesn't have one is an idiot.

I've had it with... certain 'net things. What I do, I do for me - because I enjoy it, I want to create it. If someone else enjoys my efforts, great. But I don't give a rats-ass if they don't. And I refuse to play the little clique games that seem to be required. I've done it before and I'll be damned if I'll ever lower myself like that again. Open, friendly and inviting is not what I'd call most ML's. For a really good rant on this, cruise over to Brutal Honesty and read Chase's rant on it. (note here that I am not talking about comments regarding fanfic I write. If it's lousy, I expect hear that and encourage it.)

In a moment of... well, I don't know what to call it... I decided to eliminate certain things... link things. I don't hate the place the link referenced, it's just that a person I consider to be an impolite fuck-head is associated with it. It's probably the vodka cooler affecting my mental pathways, but I don't care (see a theme?) I've actually been debating this action for awhile, but only tonight decided to 'make it so' (LOL - too much ST:TNG again!). Oh, and this same shit-for-brains I hate was reason number three (or four? I can't remember now - it's been over a year) I used the no-break frame set up on the GW section. I'm still waiting for a direct bitch/flame on that. So far, there's been only a casual, off-hand remark.

I've been informed the bar is closing and I'm not done pickling myself yet. Bye!
I'm tired (and broke) and should be tucked into bed. Instead, I'm randomly cruising the 'net and killing the mosquitoes that are determined to make me their supper. I'm... aw, hell... I'm fucked.

A few of the places I've been tonight...
  • On Sex, Smut and Boosting One's Readership.

    Great site. Informative, constructive, and what I'd consider a must-read for new (newish) yaoi/slash writers. Some of the older, more established writers I've read recently could use a scan through as well.

  • QAF FanFic by Morpheus

    Okay, this wasn't a quick stop. Unless three hours is considered zippy.

  • What I Want, QAF FanFic by Lane Carson

    Um... even longer here. Lane writes wonderful B/J fics {sigh}.

  • And of course, the usual stops at Boy Meets Boy and Brutal Honesty.

    Speaking of BH... there's a lovely rant/bitch warming up over there I think. Something about certain long time GW authors and their attitudes. {snickers} Can't wait to see this bitch session - it's long overdue!

    Got word from a friend (wave to everyone Heike!) that a project I'd worked on unofficially for 4 years has been made official. Complete with, so she thinks, a piece that I wrote... sans permission or acknowledgement. Heike sounds more pissed than I am. Actually, I'm not upset at all. I'm done with that project, have been for over a year. There should have been an official...um, thing... done two years ago, but the... person... was too lazy, or uninformed, or... something. I've moved on from that space I was in when the project was started. I am not the same person, my tastes and interests have changed (dramatically in some areas) and if someone else wants to pick up where I left off, kudos to them. Plus, seeing that's it's official now, the poor sap who's doing it won't have to troll the internet like I did, hunting for scraps of information, pictures, etc. Yay! Funny thing though... an ML I belong to - one that's supposed to be devoted to all things of this person - hasn't posted anything about this. Sue? Are you still alive? Or is your head stuck up your ass as usual?