Where the Sane Should Fear to Tread

Therapy Sessions on File


There are some things that should never be joked about, ever. Suicide tops my list.

I don't deal with death in any form very well. I know it happens, it's a part of life after all, but emotionally I cannot deal with it. And when it comes to suicides I fall apart. The act of taking one's own life is a tragedy, though I understand many of the 'reasons' behind it. I'm not talking about ending one's life because of terminal illness, but when life becomes too much to bear and suicide is seen as a way to escape it, to find peace. Hearing of someone I know, even peripherally, taking his/her own life really shakes me to the core. Not because of religious doctrine, or other such nonsense, but because of level of emotional pain most suicide victims are in right before they do it. They're feelings I know all to well; if I had been able to get hold of a gun during my teenage years, I would not be here today.

So why this session in therapy (and the serious consideration to go back to REAL therapy)? Last night, just before I shut down, an e-mail comes through one of the ML's I subscribe to. An author I read, and enjoyed, had taken her own life. I cannot adequately describe the emotional state that put me in. I haven't felt that... crippled in a very long time. The news unleashed a storm of feelings/thoughts that, had I not recognized them for what they were, could have seriously pushed me closer to the edge. Depression is something I live with every day. Sometimes, it takes considerable effort (and funds) to keep my distance from the edge of what I call the pit - the big deep hole from which it's very hard to climb back out of.

To purge the thoughts, not let the feelings fester and grow, I wrote. Doc Therapist had said it would be a good way to deal with things; put the pain on paper (or 'puter monitor), take the negative and create something positive with it. Damn, the little bugger was right - it did help. Well, that and a really good cry too. The fic turned out damn good (okay, I'm biased) and I dedicated it to the ML member who left our ranks. I didn't stop crying, but at least I could handle the crap I was feeling, more-or-less. Like I said, death and I do not get along.

So today, after my feeble mind ran the rest of me through the emotional wringer, it turns out the whole suicide thing was a lie. A fucking lie. Not, and let me make this very clear, by the ML member/author, but by one of her 'friends'. I'd like to get my hands on that fucking bitch and beat her black and blue. For those that knew the author personally (online or otherwise), the announcement really caught them off-guard. I don't' even want to imagine what they went through.

Though I make light of my own attempts, suicide is not a joke - ever. If you know someone who is considering it, talk to them, call someone. It is not the answer, despite how appealing it may seem at the time. Take it from someone who has been there, the days do get brighter and you do have the strength to go forward. Yes, there will be more dark times, but learn to recognize some of the signs and talk to someone before the darkness takes over completely.

Sorry, but I needed to get that out. I'm still so pissed and emotional despite talking to Doc Therapist today (yeah for docs who take calls on the weekend).

Moving on...

To keep myself occupied - and stem the looping of unpleasant thoughts - I set myself a new task. If you've been to the GW section of PE, then you've probably seen the puzzles section; neat little java-applet jigsaw puzzles. While Jigzone offers a nice service, they do have a number of restrictions in terms of image size and resolution. How hard can it be to find a pre-made applet that does the same, or similar, as theirs? And once found, how hard would it be to modify it? I'd love to say "oh, it's easy", but it ain't. I did find a couple different version of an applet that looks very similar to Jigzone's (is it the same one? I don't know) and spent an insane number of hours picking it apart and modifying it. After five 'puter crashes - java errors make Mr. Puter very unstable - I think I got it working. At least on my 'puters. Oh, and in IE 5+ only; NS barfs it up like a cat with a hairball. Stupid freaking browser.

So now what? Well... time to dust off Photoshop and see if I can make some puzzle templates and more images. I am not graphically inclined, so this will be a challenge. One day, I really have to take a course and it would be nice if the schools around here would offer PS classes at night; some of us have to work during the day.

And now, a movie is in order. A light one, void of any angst whatsoever. Laughter is damn fine and most definitely helps improve one's mental outlook.
Fuck, I am one lazy bitch. There's tons of stuff that needs doing in the house, the yard, the 'puter... I'd rather be doing anything but that shit. The worst is, I'm bored. Days like this, a gun to head would be an ideal solution - for everyone.

I hate bashing/flaming of people, fics, web sites, for no reason. Everyone has an opinion and they should't be afraid to express it. But please, offer some real support for your opinion. Hell, you'll probably bring those who can't decide over to your side.

So why mention this? Came across a site that pulls no punches in their fic reviews - good and bad ones. And, as an added bonus, the LiveJournal for the site's maintainers is a scream. Granted, some 'entries' are not backed up, but a good number are bang-on. {chuckles} particularily like the entry from July 18/19th - the site referred to is poorly designed/colored. I despise pop-up windows for no reason and the fucking thing is way too small!

My home office is complete pig-sty again. Not even I dare enter it without turning on a light first. Growing up in a neat, practically sterile house has turned me into a rebel. CD's & DVD's strewn on every surface and papers dripping onto the floor, books stacked up everywhere... it's a subconscious rebellion against my mother and her chronic neatness. That's so sad.
So, I'm sitting here looking at the tracking stats for the GW section and trying to figure how, and why, the numbers jumped. Like by 20-30 visits per day.

Some of the visits I can attribute to nitid's rec site - I sent her a code correction for the div tag and Netscape browsers and she thanked me publicly - and some from the rec webring. But man! To go from an average of 20 hits (on a good day, and usually only after an update) to 50+ is staggering. More so since I don't advertise the site much. A small mention here, another one there... but rarely to an ML.

Frankly, I'm stunned, blown away... and wondering if I'm gonna see a bill for traffic overage this month. 748 hits so far this month, and there's still another 13 days to go! Shit, this is better than the JDDP ever did.

I think, seriously, Cracker Jacks has been printing drivers licenses and using them as the prize in the box. Why? 'Cause people around my office sure do not know how to drive! Actually, I'll amend that - around my office and around home. Stopping at a marked, and occupied, crosswalk seems to be the biggest problem area.

Now, when I took my driving test, lo those many years ago, there was a nice little section devoted to marked crosswalks and who has the right of way. For those who skipped that section, or who's book omitted it, the car does not have the right of way - the pedestrian does. A pedestrian is the poor schmuck on foot in front of you, the one who will bash your headlights/taillights/hood/trunk/whatever in if you don't bloody well stop!

I can be a reasonable pedestrian. If there's a car close to the crosswalk when I step off the curb, I'll yield to the car; I have no desire to become a hood-ornament - bad for you, really bad for me. However, if I am well into the crosswalk then an approaching car can stop and wait the thirty seconds it will take me to be clear of its path. Hell, if you're polite, I'll even move faster. But there's always gotta be some prick, always.

And today's winner of the I'm-a-car-owner/driver-and-the-worlds-biggest-jackass is the fellow in the large SUV who didn't appreciate having to stop while I and another woman crossed the street. It's not like this asshole didn't or couldn't see us, he just did not want to break his well-over the speed limit travelling. With a squeal of tires, he stops just short of us, hangs his head out the window and yells obscenities at us. Pardon me??

I've had a shitty week, complete with screwing up something in my shoulder and neck - I'm not in a good mood to start with, and now there's some over-inflated prick yelling at me to move my ass? Fuck you, buddy. Rather than obey Mr. Manners, I stop walking and stand in the middle of the cross walk, smack in front of his vehicle. He continues to rant, I continue to stand. Rant and stand, rant and stand... he gives first, jerking his vehicle into reverse and going around me. Sorry, but I had to have the last word (or would that be non-word). The handle of my umbrella met his taillights. Those things shatter nicely.

Yeah, not the smartest thing to do (duh!), but I did earn a round of applause from the drivers of two cars who stopped to watch. Oh, and the asshole either didn't notice or was in too much of a fit to come back. Thank god! Wouldn't be the first (or last I suspect) time my poor hubby has had to come rescue his ditzy wife.
Ahhhhhh... FF.N is back up and running - thank god! Xing and his crew deserve a large round of applause. Don't care what others say, I find FF.N a good place to get my daily dose of fics. Media Miner is pretty good too. A little quieter, which is probably why I signed up over there. Eh, who know if I'll really use the account much.

Writer block - specifically the citrus block - finally lifted today. Dunno why and I'm not about to ask how, just glad it did. Now I wait to see if my beta thinks it's any good. I'm not totally happy with the part, but I'm terribly critical of my own work.

New fridge is working great. No more weird sounds, just a quiet hum. LOL - little strange to go to bed and not hear the old compressor kick in. Here's hoping it continues working and the new energy-saving features the manual boasts about are a reality.

Really, it's been a do-nothing type of day. Couldn't do much since the muscles in my shoulder have knotted up something fierce. I swear, you could break rebar over my right shoulder. Judicious application of heat/cold have kept the pain bearable, but typing aggravates it. Pah, like a little pain would keep me away from my 'puter.
Forgot to post the last entry online, so it's two-fer day.

Another household item bought the farm - the fridge. Sounded like it was working - open freezer door, hear the fan moving - but unless I missed a big announcement, milk should not be tepid and frozen OJ should remain that way until taken out. Shit, bugger, hell, damn! Of course, it couldn't die during the winter when all the food could be stuck on the porch and stay cool. Nonono... it has to buy the farm when it's summer and 90 fucking degrees in the house! And, just to complicate matters, you cannot get same-day delivery of major appliances, nor do new fridge's like to fit in the same hole as the old one.

Friend with a truck - read that as boss-man, to whom I am greatly indebted! - helped us bring the new fridge home. Bitch of a job getting the old one out and the new one into the house. Big strong men... my favorite kind. So new fridge makes it into the living room where it gets the doors removed - half-an-inch too wide to fit through the kitchen door. Boss-man leaves - not without a hug - and hubby commences to making the old hole bigger. Good thing the wall at the back is not a supporting one. The three two-by-fours back there are now one-by-one's.

So it's in place, plugged in, and making enough weird noises to freak me out. Nothing major (I hope), probably just the coolant cycling through, but I'm paranoid.

Sad news around the LM. On Thursday, a prominent Ophthalmologist was killed in a car accident. Dr. Johnson was an interesting man, a pioneer in laser eye surgery. Rest in Peace, Doctor Johnson, you will be missed.
Continuing on in the 'puter vein from the last entry, another other of the little 'beasts' decided to go tits-up. Of course, it was the one that hates me - hubby's machine. I swear, that 'puter exists for the sole purpose of torturing me - to death!

After the bitch of a time to get the fucking thing working after the new drive was installed, I thought 'great, no more problems'. WRONG. Last week the machine started burping on boot-up and I thought the problem was narrowed down to a loose CPU slot-1 adapter board. That would be too easy. Monday, when hubby fired his baby up, a lovely little message appeared - cannot find vmm32.vxd. No file equals no boot-up. And simply replacing the file does not work... so the 'puter informed me when it said it couldn't find a dozen other system files. It was like Windows simply disappeared, despite the fact it showed up in the file list.

Just to prove Murphy was awake and paying close attention, Win98 would not reinstall because it detected an OS already present and since my copy is an OEM, it refused to budge until the original OS was removed. Found out I remembered how to swear in six languages. Next step, after a quick bash of the head against the nearest wall, was a call to Trafalga, my god of all things 'puter related. I can hardly wait for the phone bill for that conversation!

Following intense virus scanning - which turned up nothing - and a number of deep disk scans - which turned up a long filename error that couldn't be corrected - there was no choice but try installing the WinMe upgrade Trafalga sent up at Xmas. Fingers crossed - his and mine - we let 'er rip. Thirty-five minutes later, a new OS was installed and I could get hubby's critical files off. Thank fucking christ!

To avoid future Murphy problems, the drive was wiped and WinMe installed fresh. Not taking any chances, I made sure the critical files were backed up in two places first and monitored every step of the formatting and installation. So far, it looks okay though the true test will come in a day or two as hubby rebuilds his programs.

The latest written pile of crap I'm working on hit a stumbling block Sunday. After getting two parts back from my beta-reader (Walking Terror, I luvs ya!) I spent most of Sunday trying to rewrite a three paragraph section. Finally got something I was happy with and hit the save button... so I thought. At 10:30 pm, a car hit a power pole nearby and plunged my neighbourhood into darkness. When it came back on, I discovered I hadn't hit save... everything was gone. Okay, I thought, I can rebuild it. Right in the middle of that, the power went bye-bye again! This time, it didn't come back on. Fuck. Me. I've tried working on it again - in between the other 'puter problems - but just can't get back the feel and flow of what I had originally. So the stupid thing can sit on the drive until I can find words again. I've only been working on this fic for six months, what's another few weeks, right??

One of the Weiss Kreuz ML's I'm on posted a link to the new characters designs. Oh. My. God. They look nothing like the original characters. Understandable given the recent lawsuit over the whole thing, but geez... No sweet cuteness to Omi (or loverly blonde hair), Ken is just plain strange looking, Aya/Ran is, well... he's okay, but not great. An author I archive, Anria, said the new Aya/Ran looked like a cross between Treize and Noin from GW. But the worst, a hands-down tragedy, is Yoji. Picture Farfello without the eye patch and no scars on his face - that's what the new Yoji looks like. Gah!! I'm torn between wanting to see the show, and running fast and far from it.
One day, I'd like someone to explain to me how 'puters work fine one day and die the next.

Last Friday, boss-man shut down his laptop - with no problems - and locked it up for the extended weekend. Wednesday when he pulled it out and fired up, a network .inf file was corrupted. Huh? We tried switching nic cards, restoring from a previous day (he runs ME on the machine), nothing worked. Going into safe-mode and running scan disc helped a bit - two files were trying to use the same cluster - but even that didn't fix the problem. Last resort, re-install the OS. With a double wave of the infamous voodoo chicken, the disc went in and we hit setup.exe. That did it, though I still want to know why and how the .inf was corrupted in the first place.

Finally downloaded all the Kaikan Phrase vid files I've been after. Love 'em! Great anime. Hope it's one that'll be picked up for distribution in NA.

Made my 'puter guru, Trafalga, proud this past weekend. For years, he's been teaching me how to go into the Windows Registry to remove stuff, and I've been resisting him wherever possible. Frankly, going in there and hitting the delete key scares the shit out of me - one wrong move, and the 'puter goes tits-up. This time, I had no choice about not going in. My folks got a new virus package and before it could be installed, the old one had to be removed - completely. With crossed fingers (and toes, and eyes, and anything else I could cross) I dived in to the Registry. Nearly cried when the 'puter actually restarted properly. Yeah me!